TELEVISION... YOUR CHILD AND YOU

                                   
One aspect of parenting that is problematic, and for many controversial, is the question of T.V. Although virtually all experts agree that television viewing by young children should be limited and strictly controlled, many parents just do not accept the T.V. as an "enemy." While almost all parents agree that violence and adult content should be avoided, programs designed specifically for kids are readily embraced. Aside from entertainment, the "educational" value... learning the alphabet, word recognition, introduction to numbers, etc. are mistakenly felt to outweigh the negatives attached to T.V. And for many weary parents the television provides a welcome break from the everyday demands of child-rearing.

Many parents are not too concerned about T.V. for older children and teens. With some supervision and control of viewing, parents generally accept television as a ubiquitous part of life, both for themselves and their kids. Unfortunately, taking the "easy way out" in regard to television for children may have many far-reaching harmful consequences.

I recently came across a newsletter by Dr. Louise Hart that decried the exploitation of children by television advertising {www.louisehart.com}. Marketing to children is big and profitable. Companies spend $17 billion each year to brainwash kids into lusting for every manner of product from toys, clothes and gadgets to food, cosmetics and the like. Children between the ages of two and eleven are bombarded with 25,000 advertisements a year on T.V. alone. Brand name companies rake in $500 billion a year in sales influenced by children.

Today's kids are programmed to "need" brand-name products. Commercials and cartoons rule the day. Parents are nagged until they give in. {Some believe that by indulging their kids they are actually being good and loving.} As Dr. Hart so aptly puts it, "They {kids} are given permission to think everything is about 'me,' and 'about me NOW.' The authority of parents is being usurped by brand names. Traditional values of the family are challenged, weakened and undermined when exhausted parents give in."

T.V. hurts in many other ways. Time glued to the "tube" takes the mind and body away from more important developmental needs. Creativity, imagination and cognitive thinking are compromised; physical activity and play are diminished. The adverse effects can be serious, particularly in the early and critically important early years {birth to age six}.

Additional problems linked to television include eating disorders, obesity, diabetes, precocious sexuality, youth violence, alcoholism, depression, anxiety and family stress among others.

There is no question about the extensive, often seemingly unrelated, damage that can be done to children who watch T.V. In her article, Dr. Hart refers the reader to a video produced by the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood {CCFC}. This organization advocates and actively promotes government intervention and regulation of advertising to children.

While regulation may help, for me it is not the answer. PARENTS AND NOT THE GOVERNMENT, are responsible for raising their children. The simple, immediate and most effective answer for this serious threat to your children is for you to "just say NO to T.V.!" Get it out of your house, if necessary... at least for the first two or three years. Thereafter, limit viewing to "Nature" and other carefully selected programs for no more than one or two hours a day.

Now, I know that for many of you this may seem to be far from simple, and you may think it's  impracticable and almost impossible for you to do. But I can assure you that it can be done. Many parents, just like you, have and are currently following the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines... No T.V. for the first two years of life and no more than one or two hours of monitored total media time per day thereafter. {My own daughter, Laura, didn't know what a T.V. was until she was four!}      

So, support the CCFC, attach a bumper sticker, complain about those nasty corporations, join a protest, lobby congress, if you like, but for goodness sakes... be a RESPONSIBLE parent. Nagging exists because YOU "give in" and allow it... not because of some dumb "Barbie" doll. YOUR CHILD'S FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOU... not advertising and certainly not the government! Say "NO" to T.V. and "YES" to becoming a positive, knowledgeable and effective parent.

Bernard Schencker



    







 

THE NOT SO SURPRISING BENEFITS OF FAMILY DINNERS

I recently came across an online article from the Niagara Falls Review on the benefits of family dinners. This short piece titled, The Surprising Health Benefits of Family Dinners, reported that "the benefits of family dinners are astounding researchers with results they didn't expect."

Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, an investigator with the School of Public Health at the University of Minnesota, found that kids who ate dinner with family members were healthier in a number of ways. Not only was their nutrition better, but they also had a lower incidence of smoking, drinking, and marijuana use. And they also had lower rates of depression.

Merryl Bear, Director of the National Eating Disorder Information Centre, www.nedic.ca, said, "Eating disorders are not really about food, and family meals are also not about food, but connection." As she explains, time together helps children feel emotionally connected to family members, and also helps parents become more aware of what's happening in their kids' lives.

For me, there are no surprises here. Children, on their journey to adulthood, face many challenges. While they want to become independent and increasingly in control of their own lives, they still need the emotional support of mom and dad. Kids, at all ages, need to feel unconditional parental love. They need guidance and they need to know that even if they make bad choices, mom and dad will be there for them.

While a loving, caring and respectful relationship is ideally developed in infancy, it must be nurtured and  maintained throughout childhood. When combined with a grounding in moral values and solid decision-making skills, it helps provide children with resilience and strength of character... qualities they need to resist temptations and peer pressure which become particularly strong during the teenage years.

This all-important relationship requires continual reinforcement. Reinforcement is not accomplished by providing designer clothes, the latest electronics, gifts of money, cars, and the like... it requires a greater and more precious gift... the gift of time.

Unfortunately, in the "hustle and bustle" hectic world of today, many parents just never seem to be able to find enough time for their kids. And the time that is kid related is often superficial. Dropping Johnny off at soccer and taking Lindsey to gymnastics are of little value in the loving relationship department. "Quality time" is needed.

"Quality time" is often misunderstood. It's really not complicated. It is simply the time when parents  can communicate love and respect... through words, expression, touch and deeds. Showing sincere interest and doing things together... jobs around the house, projects, going to events, recreation and sports... even   helping with homework, can all be great relationship builders. And quality time can be as simple as sharing the events  of the day while having a nice family dinner together!

While getting everyone together for dinner may require some creative rescheduling, it is well worth the effort... even two or three times a week can have a positive impact.

Bernard Schencker

PARENTS' CHALLENGE--SCENARIO II

In this and subsequent Scenarios you have an opportunity to practice thinking before interacting by choosing the best action and then comparing your choice with the preferred one based on positive goal-focused principles.


Before making your selection remember that the best interaction is positive, goal-directed and in "sync" with the needs and wants of children.  Pay particular attention to:


The Golden Rule--Caring and Respect
Learning by Doing and Imitating
Learning To Think for Themselves
Learning to make Good Decisions
Learning to Follow Rules and Take Responsibility for Poor Choices


Johnny, age 9, tells you he forgot to bring home his spelling list.

What is your best action?

1. Say, “Why don’t you call Amy to see if she can fax the list to you?”

2. Say, “I’ll write your teacher a note asking her to excuse you this time.”

3. Say, “Sounds like you have a problem; any ideas on how to solve it?”

4. Say, “This is the second time this week; one more time and you’re grounded for a week!”

Please consider each choice carefully before selecting the best one.  The Goal-Focused Positive Parenting choice with brief comments are as follows:

Dad’s best action is Option 3. Here you are encouraging Johnny to think for himself and be responsible. If he comes up with a good solution (like calling Amy) that’s great. If not, then he’ll just have to suffer the consequences as determined by his teacher.

Worst action is Option 2. Here you are overprotecting. Johnny must learn to be responsible for his actions, to handle it himself and to accept adverse consequences if necessary.

Option 1. This could be a good solution that might help give him some insight into problem-solving, but your thinking for him is not a good way to encourage him to think for himself and it does not promote independence and self-reliance.

Option 4. This is not a good option since at this time the adverse consequences should come from the teacher. If forgetting the spelling list (and possibly other school issues) becomes more frequent, it would be best for you to meet with Johnny’s teacher to see if there is an underlying problem, and then together with the teacher see how you may be able to help.

ARE YOU RAISING GOOD KIDS OR GREAT ADULTS?

By Doctor Bobbie McDonald
Professor of Psychology
Mind Body Medical Center
Pasadena, California
www.drbobbiemcdonald.com

So often I hear people say what good children they have, or someone tell someone else what a good child they have, and this always gives me pause for thought.  What is it that makes a child “good”?  Is it doing what he or she is told?  Being quiet?  Not questioning or talking back?  And if it is one or all of these things, how do those behaviors bode for the future?   You see, good kids are a wonderful thing in the moment, but as we raise our children, aren’t we looking to the future?  The way I see it, our job is not necessarily to raise good kids, but moreover to raise great adults.

Many people mistakenly think that raising good children is the same thing as raising your children to be competent and confident adults.  And yet, too often these two things are in direct opposition of each other.  Think about it…what we may consider to be good kids are children who are obedient, who do what they are told without arguing or asking questions, who let the adults speak, and who respect authority completely without question. Now consider if these are the traits and behaviors you would want for your adult sons or daughters.  Do you want them to accept the authority of those around them without question?  Do you want them to let others do their thinking for them and not think independently for themselves?  Do you want them to be followers led by others because they never had the room to find their own voice?  Because when you look at it closely this is what these good children are being taught.  

So often, I meet parents who are worried or upset that their adult children have no drive, no independence, or that they seem afraid to strike out into the world on their own.  I want to ask these
parents, “What did you expect?”  When as a parent you raise a child to obey your word, not to question your authority and, in essence, to not think for themselves or question what does not seem right or just to them, and you do this for the first eighteen years of the child’s life, how can you expect them to go confidently out into the world in the nineteenth year and become the opposite of all that they were taught?

Raising a child to be a great adult takes more patience, more work and the ability to at times “check your ego at the door." This type of parenting requires allowing your children to ask questions even when those questions are about the choices or decisions that you are making; it requires asking your children for their opinion as well as asking them for their solution to the problem;  it requires listening to their thoughts and opinions and truly weighing them into your decision making processes especially when it comes to decisions you are making with regard to them; it requires sometimes changing your mind, particularly if your child presents valid and reasonable information or opinions to the situation in question;  and yes, it even requires occasionally admitting that you were wrong.

And before anyone interjects, let me say that I am not recommending that anyone put their child in the driver seat and let them run the road.  I am not implying that any parent should let their child do whatever they want, or let them speak rudely or disrespectfully.  I am not saying that they should let their child make all of the rules or get to have their way all of the time.  I am simply pointing out how important it is to find a balance and empower your child to be all of the wonderful things you would like them to be as an adult.

I know it is so much easier to say “because I said so” or “because I’m your parent”, but your job is not to take the easy road, your job is to raise the best adult that you possibly can.  And while it is not always the easy choice, at the end of the day when you little boy or girl is an adult confidently interacting in the world, all of it is worth it.

So, we can raise our children to be good and obedient kids, children that we can be proud of (and yes, if you read my earlier blog entry 3/2/10, you know my thoughts about this word, so I used it purposely-- proud of, as an extension of oneself) in front of our peers and others.  Or we can take the more challenging and more rewarding path of raising our children to be great adults;  people who we can be impressed by and admire as they become competent, independent thinking, ambitious and successful adults.



Comment by
Bernard Schencker

Bravo, Dr. McDonald!

I have been searching with little success for blogs that emphasize what childhood and parenting are really all about. You are refreshingly right on target.

It's pretty simple. Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn how to become independent, self-reliant and confident adults. And parents' job should be to help them do just that.

Instead of letting their own needs and hang-ups  dominate how they treat their kids... with over-control, overprotection, overindulgence and permissiveness... all "independence killers," parents  should try to be in "sync" with their children and help them on their road to independence.

Of course this is easier said than done. In the rush of everyday life, parents react to their children in a habitual, unthinking way... "no" seems to just "pop out," regardless of the circumstances.

In order to help their children in the best possible way, parents need to learn how to think before acting. This means stopping or pausing before allowing a  "knee jerk' response to occur. And then, taking whatever time may be necessary to think, and try to determine what's the best action in each situation.  

Parents also need to learn what these best actions are. Here, too, it's pretty simple,  Parents should ask themselves, will what I am about to say or do, help my child {at any age} move positively towards independence, or will it be negative and counterproductive? Will it help him learn to think, make decisions and do things for himself? Will it help him learn to take responsibility for the consequences of poor choices?

There are some specific things for parents to learn  in order to best answer these questions and, of course, "practice makes {almost} perfect" applies. Like everything else in life, parents need to WANT to learn; they must BELIEVE they can do it, and they must WORK to make it happen. It takes time and  effort.

Lastly, I'd be remiss not to emphasize that with all of this, parents should not lose sight of the importance of establishing a loving, caring and respectful relationship with their children. When deciding on how to interact, the first consideration should be, how would i like to be treated if our roles were reversed? Children are people too... the Golden Rule is not just for adults.

Sincerely,
Bernard Schencker, M.D.

TEACHING... A TURNOFF FOR LEARNING?

Open up your mind for this one. Helping your child learn is not the same as teaching. Let's think this through together.

Children start out on their journey to adult independence with a strong built-in desire to learn. They learn primarily by "doing"... by exploring, investigating and experiencing the exciting new world around them. They also learn by imitating adults and through repetition.

As kids become more involved in everyday life and activities, and with increasing exposure to an expanded world, they may become even more eager to learn. With support and encouragement, each new learning achievement makes them feel good about themselves and helps them gain confidence in their abilities.

So, if children's job is to learn to become independent, parents' job should be to help them do just that. It follows, that during childhood  parents and children should work together to reach their common goal.  So far, so good... right? Are we together on this? I hope so, because understanding this common goal underlies everything else... all the principles and methods that are essential for raising great kids.

Now, let's see how things can go wrong. If kids want to learn, why does your four year old get upset and resist being taught with flash cards? Why doesn't your ten year-old want to do homework? Why does your 10th grader do so poorly in algebra?...  common concerns for many parents.

I believe much of the problem rests with a failure to recognize the difference between helping a child learn and teaching a child in hopes they will learn. It's all about learning, not teaching.

Children learn because they want to learn. But the desire to learn can be diminished and even turned off when we attempt to teach children instead of helping them learn. To put it another way, effective teaching is not really teaching at all... it is the act {or maybe the art} of helping children learn. It is when teaching is attempted in a way that is not directed towards helping children learn, that problems may occur.

More specifically, teaching can be ineffective and may squelch learning:
1} when teachers or parents try to teach before children are mentally/phsyiologically ready, 2} when they try to teach something that is not at all what the child wants to learn about, 3} when they teach in a boring and uninteresting way, 4} when they attempt to teach in a forceful, disrespectful or coersive way, 5} when they teach using primarily a lecture format that relies on passive memorization... rather than a program that encourages students to actively seek out information from resources on their own.

It comes down to the irrefutable fact that kids learn {just like you and me} what they want to learn, not necessarily what parents and teachers want them to learn.

And most importantly, for you as a parent, please remember that your job is to help your children learn... it is not to teach. In thinking about learning verses teaching, I find it useful to substitute "helping to learn" for "teaching" whenever the subject comes up. This keeps me on track. It helps me be a coach, a facilitator and a cheerleader... not a teacher. I encourage you to do the same, particularly now, when you are beginning to process what I've presented here.

Yes, teaching can be a turnoff for learning, but hopefully not now... not for your children.

Bernard Schencker

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

A friend of mine, a knowledgeable and experienced homeschooling mom, recently told me about an interesting encounter. One weekday, she was in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store with her four kids, ages 5-12. A man in line behind her, tapped her on the shoulder and said in an accusatory way, "Your children should be in school." He added, "They need to be in the real world."

My friend, being a very nice person, did not react as most of us might, with, "Mind your own business." Instead, with a forward extension of her arms, followed smoothly by an all-encompassing lateral movement of her outstretched hands and a slow, deliberate, smiling side-to-side glance, she said, "But this IS the real world... "How profound!

Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn about everything around them in order to adapt and eventually become autonomous adults like mom and dad. They learn to become adults by doing ordinary tasks, through trial and error and by imitating adults.

Initially, their surroundings are limited to the crib and the warmth and tenderness of their mother's arms. As they grow through infancy and the preschool years, they need to be increasingly exposed to, and involved in, EVERYDAY ADULT ACTIVITIES. While they also need to learn how to get along with children their own age, this is of little value in their quest for achieving adulthood.

In school, children are introduced to more of the world through their studies. However, sitting in class with other kids while learning history, math and other subjects, does not help them become adult-like. Kids learn how to become adults from adults, not from other kids.

Consider this: Let's say you want to learn to become an electrician. Would you learn best from beginners like yourself, or by spending time with an experienced electrician as he diagnoses and fixes real problems? Electricians learn to be electricians from electricians, not from electrician "wanabees."  

Let me repeat... Children learn to become adults by being involved in REAL WORLD, EVERYDAY ADULT ACTIVITIES. Being isolated and sequestered with other kids in traditional school is NOT the real world. As a parent, you should try to counterbalance the time your child spends in school with time spent in an "adult apprenticeship"... cleaning, cooking, doing the dishes, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, having dinner together as a family, discussing the news and yes, even shopping at the grocery store.

Bernard Schencker

WHAT HAPPENED TO WINNING?

I recently heard of a Little League group for 11-12 year olds that was committed  to having all the teams finish the season at an approximately .500 average win/loss record. Now I know that a lot of kids' sports programs give out trophies to everyone for just showing up, but going a whole season with no winners and no losers is new to me.

I guess it's part of the same overprotection trend that has infected our country in recent years, so I shouldn't be too surprised. But darn it all...I don't like it...not one bit!

Parents who overprotect {or who don't scream out in opposition to schools and sports organizations that do} are making a HUGE MISTAKE. In their efforts to protect their kids from all disappointments, from all unhappiness and all manner of physical "booboos," moms and dads are creating a totally unreal "la la land" that promotes mediocrity.

While it's important for parents to be positive and encouraging in order to enhance self-esteem and build confidence, PRAISE AND REWARDS MUST BE EARNED AND DESERVED. Kids need to learn to strive for achievement, for excellence and yes, when competing, for winning.

Getting rewarded for just "breathing"{ which is almost no exaggeration} contributes to incompetence, diminishes ambition and destroys the self-esteem that parents mistakenly think they are supporting. And without real challenges children are robbed of the confidence-building joy inherent in real achievement.

Adults, who learned as children that simply "showing up" deserves a reward, will expect a paycheck and a promotion for no effort. They will never quite understand why they seem to be unable to get ahead...why they're passed over and why they "get no respect." Being totally unaware of the damage done to their psyches in childhood, these unfortunates will gripe, complain and blame everyone and everything for their misfortune. And ultimately they will look to the government to support them and give them their "just due."

Bernard Schencker