RAISING SELF-RELIANT AND CONFIDENT KIDS FOR A SUCCESSFUL FUTURE AS INDEPENDENT AND RESPONSIBLE "CAN-DO" ADULTS- Goal-Focused Positive Parenting unifies and simplifies the practical application of positive parenting principles-- As a CEO, leader and coach in an entrepreneurial medical publishing business for twenty-two years and a serious student of parenting for another twenty-one, it is clear that "in order to achieve you must believe" and you have to have a plan. Without an overarching goal, parenting information is for many parents disconnected, confusing and difficult to remember and apply. This is made worse by long lists of "dos and don'ts." It's not that parenting books and courses are not good, on the contrary, most are very good. And, to be sure, the classic insights of Montessori, Steiner, Adler and Dreikurs together with the writings of modern-day experts form the foundation of our present-day understanding of effective parenting.
The problem arises, in part, because of varying emphasis {or perceived emphasis} on one aspect versus another between commonly available books and courses. For instance, the importance of developing self-esteem may be emphasized and overshadow the need for helping kids learn to think, make decisions and do things for themselves. When goals are non-specific, parents may inadvertently "overdo" a good thing. They may think along the lines of "if two aspirins are good, then three or four are even better." An all too common example occurs when the goal is to develop a "happy, loving and conflict-free relationship" between parents and their kids. Here, if parents do not balance this with helping kids learn about boundaries and rules, the importance of taking responsibility for their actions and a whole lot more, we soon have overindulgent and permissive parents and self-centered and obnoxious kids. There are many similar traps for parents who do not have a specific, actionable and unifying long-term goal. A goal is definitely needed, but what should it be? When I was learning to be a doctor I was often advised, "listen to the patient, he is telling you the diagnosis." Well you know what, it's the same with kids. It's the kids who give us the answer.
Parents' Job-- Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn how to adapt and become independent, self-reliant and successful adults. Maria Montessori observed this in kids in the slums of Rome a hundred years ago. Today neuroscientists refer to these needs as being "hard-wired." It also makes perfect sense from a preservation of the species point of view. In order to be successful in our democratic society kids must also learn to become to be morally and ethically responsible.
So we have a happy situation in which children's desires mesh with the basic character and qualities needed for achieving a productive and successful life. Surely, parents want for their children the very same things that their children want for themselves! Now good parenting, with its many seemingly disconnected parts, is unified and greatly simplified by a common goal. Parents' job is to help and support their kids on their way to becoming independent and responsible adults. Parents do this by "keeping their eye on the prize," by trying to make parent/child interactions respectful, positive, encouraging and "in synch" with their children's needs. A simple concept but far from easy to accomplish. It takes knowledge, a long-term commitment and an unwavering focus on the goal. And it requires parents to give time and much of themselves to make it happen. Unfortunately, in today's "hustle and bustle" world kids just don't always get all the help they need.
Parents Can Delegate But Cannot Delegate Away Their Ultimate Responsibility-- Parents are stressed by many financial, social and cultural responsibilities which make it difficult for them to focus on their children. This is complicated by the belief of many that teachers and schools can do a good, even better, job than they themselves can. After all educators are trained and certified. This view is increasingly promoted by government and education "experts." Preschools and day care centers are proliferating and taking kids at an increasingly earlier age. "Teaching" often begins with two year olds and even younger. Many parents believe that they are really not very important--just set a good example, spend some "quality time" with the kids and let the schools do the rest. Education is now considered by many to be the key to success. Parents do not understand that while a good education is certainly important, teaching before children are developmentally ready can actually squelch children's natural desire to learn and contribute to emotional problems. And most importantly, schools at any age are not and cannot be parents. While parents can delegate, they can never delegate away their ultimate responsibility for the welfare and development of their children.
Goal-Focused Positive Parenting Helps Insure Future Independence and Success-- Positive parenting, which ideally should begin at birth, is usually not investigated until conflicts and behavior problems arise. Certainly better late than never, but fixing problems is always more difficult than preventing them and in the case of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity serious health and emotional damage may have already occurred. Children may also be victims of parental over control, overprotection, over indulgence and over permissiveness--all independence "killers" which once established are very hard to reverse. As a result our precious children often emerge from childhood as dependent and relatively insecure adults. Many children remain dependent on their parents for financial help and emotional support well into their adult years. In some cases they might be best described as "children in adult bodies!" They are not able to reach their full potential and are not the kind of "can-do" citizens that America must have for future growth and prosperity.
Goal-Focused Positive Parenting Helps Prevent Conflicts and Behavior Problems--- When the principles and methods of goal-focused positive parenting are understood and diligently applied behavior problems are rare, kids are happy and resilient. Parents are able to love and enjoy their children more fully and best of all---mom and dad can feel really good knowing that they are helping their kids develop the character and inner strength needed for them to reach their full potential-- to become the best they can be.
Free Information-- This site is devoted to parents and their children. Here, and on my blog, I will introduce the principles and methods of goal-focused positive parenting through outlines, brief descriptions, articles, examples and practice scenarios. I hope to peak readers' interest and will be sending a free e-book and a free email newsletter subscription to all interested parties---parents, grandparents, nannies, teachers, and others. In addition, I'm working on a book that will more completely cover goal-focused positive parenting in a simple, easy to understand and apply format. Questions and comments are anxiously solicited.
SPECIAL NOTE: INDEPENDENT, "CAN-DO" ADULTS ARE RESISTANT TO SOCIALISM
There is an extremely disturbing trend that threatens the very essence of America---increasingly, young adults are looking to socialism as the answer for all our social and economic problems. In a recent Rasmussen poll {April 2009} 33 percent of adults under 30 favored socialism to free-enterprise capitalism compared with only 13 percent of those over age 40. And although by no means conclusive, the correlation with the increasing number of dependent young adults is striking! [Recent estimates indicate than less than half of women and less than one-third of men are financially independent by age 30.}
It is only logical to assume that those adults who never learned to be independent, self-reliant and responsible for themselves are more likely to succumb to the enticements of big, "let us take care of you" government. And those children coming from a background of family welfare, who may already be dependent, are also more likely to continue to rely on "nanny" government as adults.
Historically, America was built by independent, self-reliant and individually responsible citizens who prospered and took great pride in their many accomplishments. These patriots honored our constitution and valued personal freedom and liberty above all else. They thrived on free-market capitalism They never asked for or expected government handouts. These were the "can-do" people who made America great. Now, however, with this alarming rush to socialism, our future as "the shining city on the hill," a beacon of freedom and hope for all the world, is in great jeopardy.
It's up to parents to turn the tide. This makes a decision to learn and apply goal-focused positive parenting even more important than ever before. The future of our kids and the future of our country may depend on it.
Bernard Schencker, M.D.
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