A Four Step Plan

The principles and methods utilized in Goal-Focused Positive Parenting are relatively simple and logical.  However, when interacting with your child you will now need to think before you act. Since it is likely that your interactions are currently more habitual than thoughtful, you will find that learning to take the time to think before acting will not come easily or quickly.

To help you get started I have broken up the things to think about before interacting into four parts. I suggest that you concentrate on one part/step at a time, each for one to two weeks.

STEP ONE

In order to effectively change your current habitual way of interacting you must discipline yourself to PAUSE, THINK and then ACT {PTA}.  At first the pause required may be prolonged as you carefully consider the best thing to say or do at the time. In the rush of your busy day this may cause you some grief.  But be assured, if you're diligent, in a few days it will come more easily.

In this first step I want you to confine your thinking to LOVE, RESPECT and the "GOLDEN RULE."  Read and refer back to the first four paragraphs under Method and items 1-6 in The Needs and Wants of Children under Principles. This information is presented on the Principles and Method page of this site.

During your pause ask yourself, "Am what I am about to say or do in 'synch' with my child's needs and wants?  Will it convey love and respect?  Will I be treating him in the same way I would like to be treated if our roles were reversed?"

Please be forewarned-- It may feel very strange and awkward for you to accept that kids, especially little ones, want the same things that adults want.  And it may be difficult to respect kids in the same way as adults. This certainly runs counter to "children are to be seen and not heard;" "respect your elders" and other traditional attitudes towards children.  When interacting it may be helpful to think about how you would interact with an adult friend or coworker and basically do the same with your child.

Step One is the foundation for everything else that follows.  Love, respect and the "Golden Rule" are the basis for the development of a loving, respectful, positive and lasting relationship with your child.  Do not rush through this part. Give yourself whatever time it takes to establish thinking before acting as an important everyday part of who you are.

STEP TWO

Having gotten off to a good start with step one you can now begin to think about specifics to help your child achieve INDEPENDENCE, SELF-RELIANCE and CONFIDENCE.  For this section read and refer back to items 7 and 8 under Principles and "Intellectual Development and Academic Achievement" under Method.

Children want to learn.  And particularly during the early years {0-5,6} learning about everyday things is very important for brain development and future intellectual and academic achievement.  Kids learn best by doing, exploring and by trial and error.  They also learn by imitating mom and dad, older siblings and other adults.

Kids want to be adult-like. The more they are allowed and encouraged to learn to do things on their own and the more they are included in adult activities, the more and more quickly they will learn-- and the happier they will be.

Before you say to your four year-old, "No, you can't climb up that ladder," pause to think--If I stand behind her, just in case I'm needed, she can safely try to climb it. After another time or two she'll have learned a new skill. Multiply this by the many everyday things your child can learn if you give her a chance--dressing herself, brushing her teeth, tying shoelaces, using a knife and fork and on and on it goes.

You will find that your child can do more, at an earlier age, than you ever thought possible.

With each new skill your child becomes a little more self-reliant and confident. It's been said that within the bounds of safety, "Never do for children that which they can do for themselves {Dr. Rudolph Dreikeurs}."

The same kind of positive thinking applies to children at all ages. Think before you start to remind your ten year-old {as you always do} to wear a hat when going out on a cold day.  Maybe, just maybe he'll remember all by himself.  And if he doesn't, he'll soon be back for it when his ears begin to freeze!  

So pause to think before you interact.  "Will what I am about to say or do be positive in helping my child learn to become independent and confident?  Or will be negative, nagging and demeaning?" Throw off your habit of overprotecting and conveying low expectations.  Set the bar high. Help if it's really needed.  Be positive. Encourage and praise achievement, but never shame or blame your child for failure.

During this week {or two} concentrate on keeping your eye on the goal. Think before you act. Try to make each interaction a positive and incouraging event that helps your chid move ever closer to achieving Independence and self-reliance.

STEP THREE

Now you're ready to think about RULES, DECISION-MAKING, CONSEQUENCES and PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.  When you allowed your child to learn by doing through trial and error you were also giving valuable lessons in decision-making.  With rules you can further develop this critically important skill.  Learning to make good decisions and be responsible for the consequences of bad ones is essential for success at all ages.

Further, the importance of learning to live within the boundaries of rules and laws related to safety and family/societal expectations cannot be overemphasized.

Acting and interacting with your child in relation to rules can be positive, uplifting and successful or a "minefield" filled with potential for disaster. You need to take extra care when thinking before acting.  Here are some useful guidelines:

1.  With the exception of safety emergencies, allow your child a choice--follow the rule and enjoy a "thank you," praise and encouragement or decide not to comply and suffer from an undesirable consequence.  For example--On the way to the playground your son, Johnnie, age 4, unclips his car seat belt. You say, "Remember our rule, we always wear our seat belt when driving in the car."  If Johnnie resists you say, "If you don't buckle up we'll have to pull over and stop instead of going on to the playground."

2.  Be consistent--Say what you mean and always do what you say. Chances are that in our example Johnnie will buckle up.  But what if he doesn't?  You now must do what you said you'd do. You pull off the road and sit.  No radio, no conversation--just sit. Soon Johnnie will almost certainly decide that sitting in silence is not nearly as much fun as swinging on a swing and "click" he buckles the belt.  You thank him and off you go.

But what if the choice you offered didn't work quickly as planned? Very unlikely, but theoretically possible.  What then?  You and Johnnie will be there a long time!  When you offer a choice you should make the adverse consequence undesirable enough to encourage your child to choose correctly. But you must also be prepared to follow through even if it means unhappiness and sacrifice for you.

3.  Make the undesirable choice, in so far as possible, a natural consequence of a poor decision.  In our example, not going on to the park follows as a natural consequence of a bad choice.  It is logical and easy to understand.  It is not perceived as punishment, just simply the natural result of choosing poorly.On the other hand,"If you don't buckle up, your friend, Billie will not be allowed to come over tomorrow," is not natural and will be perceived as punishment.  Of course there are times when a natural consequence is not possible.  Here you should do your best to make the adverse consequence reasonable, logical and timely. It should be something that you will definitely be able to enforce if necessary.

4.  Whenever possible, a rule should be presented as one that applies to both children and adults.  Remember, your child wants to be included in adult activities.  He wants to feel like "a big boy."  He wants to be adult-like.  Use this to your advantage.  "We" is always better than "you" when talking about a rule.  "We buckle up" as opposed to "You must buckle up."

5.  Be fair, polite and respectful.  Nobody likes to be ordered around--you don't and neither does your child.  Remember the "Golden Rule."  Don't be arbitrary.  Make rules that are reasonable and have value in the areas of safety, morals and ethics and behavior expected by society {manners, "please and "thank you," etc.}.  Rules about your child's personal domain {clothes, friends, tastes in music, etc.}, especially if she is older or a teenager, may require more tact.  Often discussion and a willingness on your part to listen to your child's point of view are needed.

6.  Do not soften the result of poor choices.  Do not help your child make excuses for not following rules.  Remember the goal--independent, self-reliant and responsible.  Your child must learn to take personal responsibility for her actions.  It may be hard for you to watch and not want to help "fix" things with your child's teacher, coach or any other outside party.  Don't do it!

7.  Never blame, shame or criticize your child for mistakes, whether they be poor choices or simply related to poor performance.  Poor choices, mistakes, sub-par performance and failures are learning experiences necessary for growth and development.  Your comments, both good and bad, should refer to the act/performance. They should not be aimed at your child herself.  "You're a bad girl" should never be voiced as part of your disappointment in a poor choice or action.

Step Three is in no way natural or instinctive for parents.  You'll have to work at it.  Discipline yourself to take the time to really think things through carefully before acting.  Evaluate the results of your actions.

Learning this new way of interacting with your child will take some time. Don't be discouraged; make improvements as you go. You will soon gain confidence and be encouraged and gratified as positive results become evident.

STEP FOUR

In this step you will consider the destructive effects of the five INDEPENDENCE KILLERS--OVER-CONTROL, OVERPROTECTION, OVERINDULGENCE, PERMISSIVENESS and INCONSISTENCY.

Up until now you've been learning about a new and more effective way to help your child learn how to become an independent and successful adult. The emphasis has been on good things to say and do with only a smattering of what not to do. Now you must become aware of the negatives that are to some degree, more or less, a factor in virtually all parent/child relationships.

When pausing to think before interacting, as a final check, ask yourself if what you are about to say or do embody any of these very destructive negatives.

Am I being arbitrary and over-controlling?  Is control so important for me that it overrides and negates my desire to help my child achieve self-reliance and confidence?

Is this activity really too dangerous?  Is a skinned knee or a bruised ego too big a price to pay for helping my child learn about the real world of "hard knocks," and pain?  By shielding my child from disappointment, unhappiness, and ego deflation am I failing to instill the resilience and toughness needed in today's world?  How will he learn to take care of himself If I continue to do every thing for him?

Is buying her another expensive doll when she already has a "closet-full" a good way to convey love or am I just creating a spoiled and entitled brat? Will it encourage effort in order to earn rewards?  Or by trying to make her happy am I simply teaching her to live in an unreal "fairy Land?" of entitlement?  

Is letting your child do whatever he wants good for him or is it just to make things easier for me?  Having pitched such a fit over not being allowed to go out until completing his homework, will relenting help him learn about consequences and responsibility? Or will it just teach him that rules don't matter while tantrums do.

Examples of the negative effects of independence killers could fill many pages. If you are honest with yourself you will be able to almost certainly come up with at least a few in your own personal experience.  Become sensitized and introspective in your search for these negatives.  When you find them, work hard to stamp them out.

In summary, as a parent you can be a powerfully positive factor in your child's life. Or you can be a significant negative.  It's your choice.  By coming this far you've declared for the positive.  But you now know that it will not be easy.

This Four Step Plan gives you valuable insight and will help you get started. By completing these four steps you've earned your "learners permit."  Please keep going.  Your child's future depends on it!

Bernard Schencker, M.D.


Copyright 2010 Bernard Schencker, M.D. All rights reserved.