PRINCIPLES
GOAL-- To help children learn to become INDEPENDENT, SELF-RELIANT, CONFIDENT, RESPONSIBLE, MORAL AND ETHICAL ADULTS.
Child-Centered-- Parenting is a long-term process that begins at birth and continues throughout the childhood years. While focusing on the long-term developmental needs of children, a loving, respectful and positive parent/child relationship is developed which together with a spirit of parent/child cooperation contributes to a happy and conflict-free childhood. Behavior problems are prevented and as independence and strength of character grow, children gain increased confidence and ambition to excel. They become resilient and more able to meet the challenges of "growing up."
Specific and Actionable-- As opposed to a more general goal for which it is not possible to define a specific course of action needed to reach it, this goal is specific and attainable when appropriate parental methods are employed. Compare it to "to be the best he can be" or "to be happy and successful" or "to lead a good and fulfilled life," which are really just "wishful thinking" {hopes and dreams} and not actionable goals.
Non-specific "wishes and hopes" often lead parents to act in unthinking, uninformed or misguided ways much to the detriment of both their kids and themselves. Without a specific goal parents often engage in overprotection, overcontrol, overindulgence and permissiveness-- all of which run counter to effective and positive parenting.
Formula for Success-- Adults who are independent, self-reliant, confident, responsible, moral and ethical are the leaders, innovators, risk-takers and entrepreneurs who make things happen. They are problem-solving decision makers who are well-equipped to achieve and be successful in whatever profession or line of work they choose to pursue. It was citizens with this "can-do" spirit who built America and made her great. And it's up to today's parents to develop young adults with this same strong independent and self-reliant character to insure America's continued growth and prosperity.
Coincides with the Needs and Wants of Children-- Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn about and adapt to their environment. They want to learn how to become independent, self-reliant and successful adults. In order to achieve this, they must learn how to think and do for themselves, make good decisions and take personal responsibility for the consequences of poor choices. They must also learn about rules, morals and ethics. When parents set a good example and interact with their kids in a positive, consistent and encouraging manner, children are happy and anxious to "learn the ropes" for successful living. Parents and children, being "on the same page," can work together to achieve their common goal. This, then, forms the basis for effective goal-focused parenting.
THE NEEDS AND WANTS OF CHILDREN-- The needs and wants of children when understood and supported are used as a basic guide for positive parent/child interactions.
1. Love and Respect-- Children need to feel loved irrespective of their performance--unconditional love. While all parents love their kids, children may not feel it. In addition to hugs, kisses and "I love yous" children feel loved when they are also shown the same kind of respect accorded adults.
2. Feel Useful-- Children want to be asked to help or do and look forward to the opportunity to feel useful. If not they may feel incompetent and diminished.
3. Accomplishments Acknowledged-- Children appreciate praise and encouragement for good performance. This is important for building self-esteem and confidence.
4. Treated Fairly-- Children are quick to recognize when they're not treated fairly. Unfortunately, because they are "just kids" parents may not always be aware of their failure to be fair.
5. Trusted-- Unless they've done things unworthy of trust, children want to be trusted and believed in. All too often, when parents are inconsistent and untrustworthy themselves, kids soon learn to follow suit.
6. Be Included-- Children want to be included, particularly in adult activities.
All of the above should be recognized as the same wants and needs of adults. Children want to be treated in the same way adults are treated. These wants and needs are easily remembered as simply the "Golden Rule" applied to children.
7. Learn in Order to Achieve Adult Independence-- Kids want to learn to become adults. They begin by enthusiastically learning about the world that surrounds them. They learn by doing--exploring, manipulating--and by imitating adults. They enjoy being shown how to do things if they are then allowed to try on their own. Until age 5 or 6 they generally resist being "taught"--drilled, lectured and tested. Later, kids accept traditional teaching if they are ready for it developmentally and if it is done in an interesting and motivating manner. "Hands on" {doing} and projects with practical application are usually most effective.
Children learn how to become adults primarily by being around adults. They learn by being included in adult activities--logical but frequently misunderstood, as parents push kids into "socialization" with other children. Unfortunately, this isolation from adults reaches its peak in high school at the very time when adolescents should be transitioning into the adult world. If parents are to help their kids become autonomous, self-reliant adults at a reasonable age, they must try to counteract the isolating effect of schools. Parents are advised to give their children every possible opportunity to spend time with adults.
8. Each child is unique and special-- Parents should understand and respect this. Although parents should offer advice and counsel, they are advised to celebrate their child's uniqueness and refrain from pressuring children to make life choices that may differ from their own.
METHODS
Positive Parent/Child Interactions-- All communications, verbal or otherwise, between parents and children are interactions. Each interaction is either positive in helping children progress towards the goal or it is negative and counterproductive. Each positive interaction builds on and reinforces previous positive interactions while negative ones detract from prior positives. It is the gradual, day after day, accumulation of positive interactions that develop the desirable qualities and character needed for success.
Synchronize Interactions With Children's Needs and Wants-- Since children's needs and wants are directed towards reaching the same goal as their parents, interactions can be made positive by synchronizing them with their kids' needs and wants. This then, gives parents a simple way to remember how to interact in any particular situation.
Pause To Think Before Acting-- Is what I am about to say or do loving and respectful and in keeping with the "Golden Rule?" Am I encouraging Independence? Is it helping my child learn to think and do for himself? Will it help my child learn how to make good decisions? How about learning to be responsible for the consequences of poor choices? Is it helping to build confidence and self-esteem? Am I including my preschooler in everyday adult activities? Am I setting a good moral and ethical example for her to imitate?
At times, particularly when getting started, the pause to think may be a long one. Later, with more experience in the process, the pause will become brief. Regardless of how long it takes, parents will need to discipline themselves to always think before acting.
Avoid the Independence Killers-- Overprotection, Overcontrol, Overindulgence, Permissiveness and Inconsistency are counterproductive and always negatives in the parenting process. Unfortunately, they are also very common and mistakenly considered by many to be part of "good" parenting. Even when parents understand how detrimental they are, it is often very difficult for them to eliminate their habitual way of interacting with their kids.
Intellectual Development and Academic Achievement-- When parents are in"synch" with the wants and needs of children they are not only raising independent, confident and responsible kids, they are at the same time laying the foundation for strong academic achievement. This occurs because the needs and wants are simply a reflection of what the childhood brain needs for optimal growth and development. This is a self-regulating process that occurs naturally and most rapidly and efficiently during the first six years of life and more particularly from birth to age three. It is important for parents to understand that optimal brain development provides the foundation for future memory, reasoning, problem-solving and other intellectual and academic capacity. In addition to including young children in usual adult activities and engaging them in every-day adult conversation, reading and telling stories to children each day are thought to be especially helpful. It is important for parents to know that in spite of today's emphasis on early education, there is no reliable information to indicate that formal education is of any added value before ages five to six. Also, children vary in when they are ready to learn the three "R's." Kids who begin early do not appear to have any long-term advantage over those who start later. On the other hand, forced teaching when kids are not ready, may contribute to emotional problems and diminish their natural desire to learn.
Parental Commitment-- Understanding the principles and methods are an important first step. Just as with children, however, the real learning takes place when parents decide to actually get involved and do it. Although simple in concept, in reality effective parenting is not easy. There will almost certainly be"ups and downs" requiring a strong "stick to it" commitment if parents are to achieve success. However, the stakes are high and the rewards are great. If you are a parent or caregiver please take the time to learn more at this site and also on my blog. Important, thought-provoking articles, commentary, newsletters and practice scenarios are always available and coming soon-- a complete book on the subject. Then when you're ready, commit and go for it. You'll be glad you did!
TO HELP YOU GET STARTED I HAVE PREPARED A FOUR STEP PLAN WHICH WILL ENABLE YOU TO PUT INTO PRACTICE THE PRINCIPLES AND METHOD OVER A 4-6 WEEK PERIOD--ONE SECTION AT A TIME. YOU CAN ACCESS THIS PLAN BY CLICKING ON A FOUR STEP PLAN ABOVE.
Copyright 2010 Bernard Schencker, M.D. All rights reserved.
