ARE YOU RAISING GOOD KIDS OR GREAT ADULTS?

By Doctor Bobbie McDonald
Professor of Psychology
Mind Body Medical Center
Pasadena, California
www.drbobbiemcdonald.com

So often I hear people say what good children they have, or someone tell someone else what a good child they have, and this always gives me pause for thought.  What is it that makes a child “good”?  Is it doing what he or she is told?  Being quiet?  Not questioning or talking back?  And if it is one or all of these things, how do those behaviors bode for the future?   You see, good kids are a wonderful thing in the moment, but as we raise our children, aren’t we looking to the future?  The way I see it, our job is not necessarily to raise good kids, but moreover to raise great adults.

Many people mistakenly think that raising good children is the same thing as raising your children to be competent and confident adults.  And yet, too often these two things are in direct opposition of each other.  Think about it…what we may consider to be good kids are children who are obedient, who do what they are told without arguing or asking questions, who let the adults speak, and who respect authority completely without question. Now consider if these are the traits and behaviors you would want for your adult sons or daughters.  Do you want them to accept the authority of those around them without question?  Do you want them to let others do their thinking for them and not think independently for themselves?  Do you want them to be followers led by others because they never had the room to find their own voice?  Because when you look at it closely this is what these good children are being taught.  

So often, I meet parents who are worried or upset that their adult children have no drive, no independence, or that they seem afraid to strike out into the world on their own.  I want to ask these
parents, “What did you expect?”  When as a parent you raise a child to obey your word, not to question your authority and, in essence, to not think for themselves or question what does not seem right or just to them, and you do this for the first eighteen years of the child’s life, how can you expect them to go confidently out into the world in the nineteenth year and become the opposite of all that they were taught?

Raising a child to be a great adult takes more patience, more work and the ability to at times “check your ego at the door." This type of parenting requires allowing your children to ask questions even when those questions are about the choices or decisions that you are making; it requires asking your children for their opinion as well as asking them for their solution to the problem;  it requires listening to their thoughts and opinions and truly weighing them into your decision making processes especially when it comes to decisions you are making with regard to them; it requires sometimes changing your mind, particularly if your child presents valid and reasonable information or opinions to the situation in question;  and yes, it even requires occasionally admitting that you were wrong.

And before anyone interjects, let me say that I am not recommending that anyone put their child in the driver seat and let them run the road.  I am not implying that any parent should let their child do whatever they want, or let them speak rudely or disrespectfully.  I am not saying that they should let their child make all of the rules or get to have their way all of the time.  I am simply pointing out how important it is to find a balance and empower your child to be all of the wonderful things you would like them to be as an adult.

I know it is so much easier to say “because I said so” or “because I’m your parent”, but your job is not to take the easy road, your job is to raise the best adult that you possibly can.  And while it is not always the easy choice, at the end of the day when you little boy or girl is an adult confidently interacting in the world, all of it is worth it.

So, we can raise our children to be good and obedient kids, children that we can be proud of (and yes, if you read my earlier blog entry 3/2/10, you know my thoughts about this word, so I used it purposely-- proud of, as an extension of oneself) in front of our peers and others.  Or we can take the more challenging and more rewarding path of raising our children to be great adults;  people who we can be impressed by and admire as they become competent, independent thinking, ambitious and successful adults.



Comment by
Bernard Schencker

Bravo, Dr. McDonald!

I have been searching with little success for blogs that emphasize what childhood and parenting are really all about. You are refreshingly right on target.

It's pretty simple. Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn how to become independent, self-reliant and confident adults. And parents' job should be to help them do just that.

Instead of letting their own needs and hang-ups  dominate how they treat their kids... with over-control, overprotection, overindulgence and permissiveness... all "independence killers," parents  should try to be in "sync" with their children and help them on their road to independence.

Of course this is easier said than done. In the rush of everyday life, parents react to their children in a habitual, unthinking way... "no" seems to just "pop out," regardless of the circumstances.

In order to help their children in the best possible way, parents need to learn how to think before acting. This means stopping or pausing before allowing a  "knee jerk' response to occur. And then, taking whatever time may be necessary to think, and try to determine what's the best action in each situation.  

Parents also need to learn what these best actions are. Here, too, it's pretty simple,  Parents should ask themselves, will what I am about to say or do, help my child {at any age} move positively towards independence, or will it be negative and counterproductive? Will it help him learn to think, make decisions and do things for himself? Will it help him learn to take responsibility for the consequences of poor choices?

There are some specific things for parents to learn  in order to best answer these questions and, of course, "practice makes {almost} perfect" applies. Like everything else in life, parents need to WANT to learn; they must BELIEVE they can do it, and they must WORK to make it happen. It takes time and  effort.

Lastly, I'd be remiss not to emphasize that with all of this, parents should not lose sight of the importance of establishing a loving, caring and respectful relationship with their children. When deciding on how to interact, the first consideration should be, how would i like to be treated if our roles were reversed? Children are people too... the Golden Rule is not just for adults.

Sincerely,
Bernard Schencker, M.D.

TEACHING... A TURNOFF FOR LEARNING?

Open up your mind for this one. Helping your child learn is not the same as teaching. Let's think this through together.

Children start out on their journey to adult independence with a strong built-in desire to learn. They learn primarily by "doing"... by exploring, investigating and experiencing the exciting new world around them. They also learn by imitating adults and through repetition.

As kids become more involved in everyday life and activities, and with increasing exposure to an expanded world, they may become even more eager to learn. With support and encouragement, each new learning achievement makes them feel good about themselves and helps them gain confidence in their abilities.

So, if children's job is to learn to become independent, parents' job should be to help them do just that. It follows, that during childhood  parents and children should work together to reach their common goal.  So far, so good... right? Are we together on this? I hope so, because understanding this common goal underlies everything else... all the principles and methods that are essential for raising great kids.

Now, let's see how things can go wrong. If kids want to learn, why does your four year old get upset and resist being taught with flash cards? Why doesn't your ten year-old want to do homework? Why does your 10th grader do so poorly in algebra?...  common concerns for many parents.

I believe much of the problem rests with a failure to recognize the difference between helping a child learn and teaching a child in hopes they will learn. It's all about learning, not teaching.

Children learn because they want to learn. But the desire to learn can be diminished and even turned off when we attempt to teach children instead of helping them learn. To put it another way, effective teaching is not really teaching at all... it is the act {or maybe the art} of helping children learn. It is when teaching is attempted in a way that is not directed towards helping children learn, that problems may occur.

More specifically, teaching can be ineffective and may squelch learning:
1} when teachers or parents try to teach before children are mentally/phsyiologically ready, 2} when they try to teach something that is not at all what the child wants to learn about, 3} when they teach in a boring and uninteresting way, 4} when they attempt to teach in a forceful, disrespectful or coersive way, 5} when they teach using primarily a lecture format that relies on passive memorization... rather than a program that encourages students to actively seek out information from resources on their own.

It comes down to the irrefutable fact that kids learn {just like you and me} what they want to learn, not necessarily what parents and teachers want them to learn.

And most importantly, for you as a parent, please remember that your job is to help your children learn... it is not to teach. In thinking about learning verses teaching, I find it useful to substitute "helping to learn" for "teaching" whenever the subject comes up. This keeps me on track. It helps me be a coach, a facilitator and a cheerleader... not a teacher. I encourage you to do the same, particularly now, when you are beginning to process what I've presented here.

Yes, teaching can be a turnoff for learning, but hopefully not now... not for your children.

Bernard Schencker

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

A friend of mine, a knowledgeable and experienced homeschooling mom, recently told me about an interesting encounter. One weekday, she was in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store with her four kids, ages 5-12. A man in line behind her, tapped her on the shoulder and said in an accusatory way, "Your children should be in school." He added, "They need to be in the real world."

My friend, being a very nice person, did not react as most of us might, with, "Mind your own business." Instead, with a forward extension of her arms, followed smoothly by an all-encompassing lateral movement of her outstretched hands and a slow, deliberate, smiling side-to-side glance, she said, "But this IS the real world... "How profound!

Children come into this world with a strong innate desire to learn about everything around them in order to adapt and eventually become autonomous adults like mom and dad. They learn to become adults by doing ordinary tasks, through trial and error and by imitating adults.

Initially, their surroundings are limited to the crib and the warmth and tenderness of their mother's arms. As they grow through infancy and the preschool years, they need to be increasingly exposed to, and involved in, EVERYDAY ADULT ACTIVITIES. While they also need to learn how to get along with children their own age, this is of little value in their quest for achieving adulthood.

In school, children are introduced to more of the world through their studies. However, sitting in class with other kids while learning history, math and other subjects, does not help them become adult-like. Kids learn how to become adults from adults, not from other kids.

Consider this: Let's say you want to learn to become an electrician. Would you learn best from beginners like yourself, or by spending time with an experienced electrician as he diagnoses and fixes real problems? Electricians learn to be electricians from electricians, not from electrician "wanabees."  

Let me repeat... Children learn to become adults by being involved in REAL WORLD, EVERYDAY ADULT ACTIVITIES. Being isolated and sequestered with other kids in traditional school is NOT the real world. As a parent, you should try to counterbalance the time your child spends in school with time spent in an "adult apprenticeship"... cleaning, cooking, doing the dishes, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, having dinner together as a family, discussing the news and yes, even shopping at the grocery store.

Bernard Schencker

WHAT HAPPENED TO WINNING?

I recently heard of a Little League group for 11-12 year olds that was committed  to having all the teams finish the season at an approximately .500 average win/loss record. Now I know that a lot of kids' sports programs give out trophies to everyone for just showing up, but going a whole season with no winners and no losers is new to me.

I guess it's part of the same overprotection trend that has infected our country in recent years, so I shouldn't be too surprised. But darn it all...I don't like it...not one bit!

Parents who overprotect {or who don't scream out in opposition to schools and sports organizations that do} are making a HUGE MISTAKE. In their efforts to protect their kids from all disappointments, from all unhappiness and all manner of physical "booboos," moms and dads are creating a totally unreal "la la land" that promotes mediocrity.

While it's important for parents to be positive and encouraging in order to enhance self-esteem and build confidence, PRAISE AND REWARDS MUST BE EARNED AND DESERVED. Kids need to learn to strive for achievement, for excellence and yes, when competing, for winning.

Getting rewarded for just "breathing"{ which is almost no exaggeration} contributes to incompetence, diminishes ambition and destroys the self-esteem that parents mistakenly think they are supporting. And without real challenges children are robbed of the confidence-building joy inherent in real achievement.

Adults, who learned as children that simply "showing up" deserves a reward, will expect a paycheck and a promotion for no effort. They will never quite understand why they seem to be unable to get ahead...why they're passed over and why they "get no respect." Being totally unaware of the damage done to their psyches in childhood, these unfortunates will gripe, complain and blame everyone and everything for their misfortune. And ultimately they will look to the government to support them and give them their "just due."

Bernard Schencker

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
By Bernard Schencker, M.D.

Ideally, each parent/child interaction {or as many as possible} should be positive and encouraging in helping your child move towards becoming an independent, self-reliant and responsible adult.  For most parents, however, this is much easier said than done. The negative just seems to pop out--no, you can't do that-- no, you'll hurt yourself,--no, don't bother me now...etc. So what can you do to accentuate the positive?

First {and the most difficult} is to learn to think before you act. Pause and take the time to ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say or do positive? If not, how can I make it positive?"

After thinking about what your child wants, you may conclude that it's really not too dangerous, particularly if you stay close to help if needed.

And after considering how you'd like to be treated if the situation were reversed, you may recognize that your "no" is really arbitrary, disrespectful and unnecessary.

But what if after careful consideration you conclude that a "no" is needed. What then? Well, there is a way to be positive even in a "no" situation.

Remember, that your child wants to learn and adapt in order to become an autonomous adult.  Along the way he wants to feel adult-like. He wants to be included and be thought of as a "big boy." He does not want to be isolated because he is a "baby or just a kid."

This desire is very strong and while often a source of conflict when it is not recognized and not supported, it provides you with a great way to convert a negative into a positive.

Instead of, "You can't eat candy before dinner," simply change the "you" to "we." "We eat candy after dinner."  Instead of "You can't have that toy," how about "It's not on our shopping list."

By using "we" and "our" you are including your child in a group made up of both children {siblings} and adults.  Further, at the same time your child is learning about rules, limits and expected behavior.  As if by magic you can convert resentful resistance into willing and happy compliance.

One important caveat--for this to work you must discipline yourself to be unwaveringly consistent.  

It does little good to say, "We always brush our teeth before bedtime," one day and then to relent the next day.  It is very counterproductive to say, "Buying a toy is not on our shopping list for today and then with whining and crying you give in and buy the toy!

Warning--when you begin to be firm and consistent with a child who is used to getting her own way, your resolve will almost certainly be seriously tested.  You may face tantrums, "I hate yous" and other reactions designed to manipulate you into giving in. Don't do it!

Finally, please learn to take whatever time it may require for you to think things through thoroughly before interacting.  And please don't forget to  be loving, respectful and fair.

By supporting your child's strong desire to learn how to become a self-reliant adult you can effectively eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive.  Please give it a try.

Bernard Schencker, M.D.    



        

PARENTS' CHALLENGE--SCENARIO 1

 
Parents' Challenge--Scenario 1

In this and subsequent Scenarios you have an opportunity to practice thinking before interacting by choosing the best action and then comparing your choice with the preferred one based on positive goal-focused principles.

Before making your selection remember that the best interaction is positive, goal-directed and in "synch" with the needs and wants of children.  Pay particular attention to:

The Golden Rule--Caring and Respect
Learning by Doing and Imitating
Learning To Think for Themselves 
Learning to make Good Decisions
Learning to Follow Rules and Take Responsibility for Poor Choices

Jimmy, age 6, and his dad are waiting to be seated in a restaurant. Jimmy reaches into a bowl of mints, grabs two and starts to unwrap one.

What's Dad's best action?

1.  Take the mints away and put them back in the bowl saying, "You can't eat candy before dinner."

2.  Take the mints away and put them back in the bowl saying nothing.

3.  Say, "Please give me the  mints; we need to put them back."

4.  Say, "Remember, we don't eat candy before dinner.  Please give me the mints.  I'll save them for you and we can each have one after we eat."

Please consider each choice carefully before selecting the best one.  The Goal-Focused Positive Parenting choice with brief comments are as follows:.

The goal-focused positive choice is 4.  Here dad reminds Jimmy about the rule on eating candy.  Dad is polite and respectful in asking Jimmy for the mints.  And then he gives him a lesson in sharing.

Dad's worst action is 2.  Here dad is overcontrolling, disrespectful and demeaning. He is very rude when he takes the mints away without saying anything.

In option 3. dad is polite but misses an opportunity to refresh Jimmy on rules and sharing.

In option 1. dad shows no respect, is rude and overcontrolling.  He indicates that there is a rule but he uses "you" when he could have said "we" as in option 4.  Since children want to become adults, "we" is always preferable because by including them as part of an adult group they are made to feel adult-like.  They tend to be much more compliant when mommy, daddy and sister Jane are all subject to the same rule.  "You," on the other hand, says, "you are just a kid" to be arbitrarily controlled and ordered around.  "You" says you are like a second class citizen and not at all adult-like.  {How would you, the reader, feel if you weren't allowed to "eat at the lunch counter" because you were different in some arbitrary and unfair way?}

On the surface a small incident like this might be considered to be very inconsequential. However, when it is added to the many small interactions that occur each day you can begin to see how important it really is.

More on This:

EACH INTERACTION IS IMPORTANT
As this scenario illustrates, each interaction between parent, caregiver, teacher and a child is important.  It is either positive, helping the child move closer to our goal, or it is negative, taking us in the wrong direction. Each interaction builds either positively or negatively on previous ones. This is a long-term cumulative process, starting at birth and continuing throughout childhood.  Unfortunately, there are many negative interactions along the way.

THE FIRST SIX YEARS ARE MOST CRITICAL
The most critical time--the time when a preponderance of positives is needed, occurs during the first six years of life and most particularly during the first three.  This is the time when the child's brain is growing very rapidly.  It is a time when capacity for future intellectual and academic achievement is developed along with the basis for emotional stability and personal character.  It is during these years that a child benefits the most from having a loving, caring mom or dad who understands and applies the principles of positive parenting as a primary caregiver.

PARENTAL EFFORT EARLY IN LIFE PAYS OFF BIG LATER
When parents do a good job during the early formative years, significant trouble during the K-12 period is usually prevented. Children can be mean and "cliquish" and this together with the regimentation of traditional teaching may be problems for many, but kids who gain confidence and inner strength early are resilient and resistant to these pressures.  Common behavior problems--disrespect, talking back, surliness, tantrums and lying are rarely encountered.  Conflicts over school work are unusual.  The more serious problems commonly encountered during adolescence--drugs, alcohol and promiscuity-- are far less likely to occur.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
While the early formative years are most important, positive parenting is of great value whenever it can be effectively applied.  It is really never too late.  Behavior problems, conflicts, teenage "rebellion" can be ameliorated and even totally "cured" when a positive, loving and respectful relationship is established.  Even adults with long-standing low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be "turned around" when placed in in a positive environment as evidenced by my experience in business.  {See  the About Dr. Schencker page.}

Bernard Schencker, M.D.

LOOK FOR SCENARIO 2--coming soon