PARENTS' CHALLENGE--SCENARIO 1

 
Parents' Challenge--Scenario 1

In this and subsequent Scenarios you have an opportunity to practice thinking before interacting by choosing the best action and then comparing your choice with the preferred one based on positive goal-focused principles.

Before making your selection remember that the best interaction is positive, goal-directed and in "synch" with the needs and wants of children.  Pay particular attention to:

The Golden Rule--Caring and Respect
Learning by Doing and Imitating
Learning To Think for Themselves 
Learning to make Good Decisions
Learning to Follow Rules and Take Responsibility for Poor Choices

Jimmy, age 6, and his dad are waiting to be seated in a restaurant. Jimmy reaches into a bowl of mints, grabs two and starts to unwrap one.

What's Dad's best action?

1.  Take the mints away and put them back in the bowl saying, "You can't eat candy before dinner."

2.  Take the mints away and put them back in the bowl saying nothing.

3.  Say, "Please give me the  mints; we need to put them back."

4.  Say, "Remember, we don't eat candy before dinner.  Please give me the mints.  I'll save them for you and we can each have one after we eat."

Please consider each choice carefully before selecting the best one.  The Goal-Focused Positive Parenting choice with brief comments are as follows:.

The goal-focused positive choice is 4.  Here dad reminds Jimmy about the rule on eating candy.  Dad is polite and respectful in asking Jimmy for the mints.  And then he gives him a lesson in sharing.

Dad's worst action is 2.  Here dad is overcontrolling, disrespectful and demeaning. He is very rude when he takes the mints away without saying anything.

In option 3. dad is polite but misses an opportunity to refresh Jimmy on rules and sharing.

In option 1. dad shows no respect, is rude and overcontrolling.  He indicates that there is a rule but he uses "you" when he could have said "we" as in option 4.  Since children want to become adults, "we" is always preferable because by including them as part of an adult group they are made to feel adult-like.  They tend to be much more compliant when mommy, daddy and sister Jane are all subject to the same rule.  "You," on the other hand, says, "you are just a kid" to be arbitrarily controlled and ordered around.  "You" says you are like a second class citizen and not at all adult-like.  {How would you, the reader, feel if you weren't allowed to "eat at the lunch counter" because you were different in some arbitrary and unfair way?}

On the surface a small incident like this might be considered to be very inconsequential. However, when it is added to the many small interactions that occur each day you can begin to see how important it really is.

More on This:

EACH INTERACTION IS IMPORTANT
As this scenario illustrates, each interaction between parent, caregiver, teacher and a child is important.  It is either positive, helping the child move closer to our goal, or it is negative, taking us in the wrong direction. Each interaction builds either positively or negatively on previous ones. This is a long-term cumulative process, starting at birth and continuing throughout childhood.  Unfortunately, there are many negative interactions along the way.

THE FIRST SIX YEARS ARE MOST CRITICAL
The most critical time--the time when a preponderance of positives is needed, occurs during the first six years of life and most particularly during the first three.  This is the time when the child's brain is growing very rapidly.  It is a time when capacity for future intellectual and academic achievement is developed along with the basis for emotional stability and personal character.  It is during these years that a child benefits the most from having a loving, caring mom or dad who understands and applies the principles of positive parenting as a primary caregiver.

PARENTAL EFFORT EARLY IN LIFE PAYS OFF BIG LATER
When parents do a good job during the early formative years, significant trouble during the K-12 period is usually prevented. Children can be mean and "cliquish" and this together with the regimentation of traditional teaching may be problems for many, but kids who gain confidence and inner strength early are resilient and resistant to these pressures.  Common behavior problems--disrespect, talking back, surliness, tantrums and lying are rarely encountered.  Conflicts over school work are unusual.  The more serious problems commonly encountered during adolescence--drugs, alcohol and promiscuity-- are far less likely to occur.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
While the early formative years are most important, positive parenting is of great value whenever it can be effectively applied.  It is really never too late.  Behavior problems, conflicts, teenage "rebellion" can be ameliorated and even totally "cured" when a positive, loving and respectful relationship is established.  Even adults with long-standing low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be "turned around" when placed in in a positive environment as evidenced by my experience in business.  {See  the About Dr. Schencker page.}

Bernard Schencker, M.D.

LOOK FOR SCENARIO 2--coming soon