ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
By Bernard Schencker, M.D.

Ideally, each parent/child interaction {or as many as possible} should be positive and encouraging in helping your child move towards becoming an independent, self-reliant and responsible adult.  For most parents, however, this is much easier said than done. The negative just seems to pop out--no, you can't do that-- no, you'll hurt yourself,--no, don't bother me now...etc. So what can you do to accentuate the positive?

First {and the most difficult} is to learn to think before you act. Pause and take the time to ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say or do positive? If not, how can I make it positive?"

After thinking about what your child wants, you may conclude that it's really not too dangerous, particularly if you stay close to help if needed.

And after considering how you'd like to be treated if the situation were reversed, you may recognize that your "no" is really arbitrary, disrespectful and unnecessary.

But what if after careful consideration you conclude that a "no" is needed. What then? Well, there is a way to be positive even in a "no" situation.

Remember, that your child wants to learn and adapt in order to become an autonomous adult.  Along the way he wants to feel adult-like. He wants to be included and be thought of as a "big boy." He does not want to be isolated because he is a "baby or just a kid."

This desire is very strong and while often a source of conflict when it is not recognized and not supported, it provides you with a great way to convert a negative into a positive.

Instead of, "You can't eat candy before dinner," simply change the "you" to "we." "We eat candy after dinner."  Instead of "You can't have that toy," how about "It's not on our shopping list."

By using "we" and "our" you are including your child in a group made up of both children {siblings} and adults.  Further, at the same time your child is learning about rules, limits and expected behavior.  As if by magic you can convert resentful resistance into willing and happy compliance.

One important caveat--for this to work you must discipline yourself to be unwaveringly consistent.  

It does little good to say, "We always brush our teeth before bedtime," one day and then to relent the next day.  It is very counterproductive to say, "Buying a toy is not on our shopping list for today and then with whining and crying you give in and buy the toy!

Warning--when you begin to be firm and consistent with a child who is used to getting her own way, your resolve will almost certainly be seriously tested.  You may face tantrums, "I hate yous" and other reactions designed to manipulate you into giving in. Don't do it!

Finally, please learn to take whatever time it may require for you to think things through thoroughly before interacting.  And please don't forget to  be loving, respectful and fair.

By supporting your child's strong desire to learn how to become a self-reliant adult you can effectively eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive.  Please give it a try.

Bernard Schencker, M.D.